So much has happened this year, hasn’t it? Except Brexit, which was supposed to happen three times, and did not happen three times. Did anything else happen? Honestly, we’re trying to remember.
By Katie Campbell
This article originally appeared in the December/January issue of PosAbility Magazine. If you enjoy it, why not consider subscribing to read it before anyone else? Click here to find out more.
3 – Greggs releases a meat-free sausage roll
A lot of people get mad for seemingly no reason regarding this. This is a recurring theme in 2019.
15 – The Commons rejects Theresa May’s deal on the UK’s withdrawal from the European Union
Hope you like talking about Brexit because we’re going to be doing that a lot.
28 – British Retail Consortium warns of higher food prices in the event of a no-deal Brexit
The UK collectively comments “duh” upon hearing this news.
1 – Hundreds of schools close across the UK due to snow
YouTube simultaneously became flooded with hundreds of videos of people falling on ice in hilarious ways in the background of news reports on snow.
15 – Thousands of school children strike for climate change
A lot of people once again get very mad even though we literally all need the climate to survive.
25 – The highest temperature ever recorded in the UK in February is reported
The people mad at children campaigning for climate change conveniently do not notice.
26 – The temperature record from the day previous is broken, followed by wildfires
Same people as yesterday: “what fires?”
12 – Theresa May’s Brexit deal voted down a second time
Honestly this year was mostly big Brexit chat.
15 – Thousands of children strike for climate change
Same people get very mad. Climate change still persists in its existence, despite their anger.
29 – Theresa May’s Brexit deal gets rejected. Again
Was Theresa May ok? I would have been emotionally devastated by this point to be honest
31 – Petition to revoke Article 50 reaches 6,000,000 signatures
The Government upon seeing this: “New phone who dis”
1 – Britain leaves the EU
April Fools, no they didn’t. Hahaha. What levity.
10 – UK and EU agree to an extension of Article 31
It gets extended until 31 October, thus ruining Halloween for everyone.
15 – Extinction Rebellion begin a week of protests in Central London
You’re probably wondering, were a lot of people angry about this? Yes. Yes they were.
13 – The Jeremy Kyle Show axed from ITV
Amateur shock comedians across the UK mourn the loss of their primary source of material.
16 – Boris Johnson announces he will run for PM
UK’s sphincter collectively tightens.
18 – UK finishes last in Eurovision
We all decide to blame Brexit but secretly we know it was because we’re crap.
21 – Jamie Oliver’s restaurant group collapses
The Turkey Twizzlers finally got their revenge.
24 – Theresa May announces her resignation effective 7 June
BoJo begins suspiciously eyeing up 10 Downing Street.
30 – 5G goes live in six cities across the UK
Conspiracy theorists extremely pleased to have something new to post about on Facebook.
3 – President Trump begins three-day visit to the UK
Baby Trump balloon begins soaring majestically over the skies of London.
7 – Theresa May resigns
Thankfully, she didn’t dance out of Number 10, because that would have been mortifying.
29 – Met Office records more record-breaking temperatures
Same angry people from earlier say “it’s not that hot,” as people fry eggs on the pavement.
11 – Tommy Robinson found guilty of contempt of court
Significant numbers of people turn out not to really understand how “contempt of court” works.
23 – Boris Johnson chosen as leader of the Conservative Party after a ballot
“Hahahahaha oh no,” says (some of the) UK.
25 – UK experiences hottest day on record
“It’s not that hot,” say climate change deniers while physically melting into a puddle.
23 – UK government expresses concern over fires in the Amazon rainforest
It’s still on fire, incidentally. I feel like we should maybe worry about that.
25 – Record temperatures recorded over August bank holiday weekend
“IT’S NOT THAT HOT,” says the gurgling puddle where a climate change denialist previously stood.
28 – Boris Johnson asks the Queen to suspend Parliament
The Queen does it, and we collectively get extremely mad about it.
2 – Boris Johnson decries potential general election
Spoilers: MPs do it anyway.
7 – Amber Rudd resigns as Conservatives are “expelled”
This was the final straw, says the person who was the head of the DWP.
28 – Thomas Cook collapses
This isn’t funny or anything, it’s just a break from all the stuff about Brexit. Sorry about your holiday.
8 – Parliament is prorogued until 14 October
Everyone in the UK who doesn’t have a BA in politics Googles “what does prorogue mean”.
19 – Brexit is delayed until 31 January 2020
Halloween can once again be enjoyed by all.
29 – MPs vote to support general election in December
UK’s sphincter collectively re-tightens.
6 – Parliament is dissolved to prepare for general election
You’d think that would provide respite from all the Brexit chat, but you would be very wrong.
8 – Flood warnings issued in Midlands
The puddle where a climate change denier once stood is washed away by the biblical downpour.
29 – Black Friday occurs
Lots of people fight over tellies they don’t need. The discerning individuals wait for Cyber Monday.
15 – Brexit happens/doesn’t happen
Depending on your personal preference. We don’t know. We wrote this mid-November.
25 – Christmas happens
It’s great, everyone gets nice presents, maybe a new phone or some jewellery. Good stuff.
31 – Hogmanay
Jools Holland smashes it, we all have a lovely time, the people of Scotland miss Jackie Bird.
Flickr/Annika Haas (EU2017EE)
Flickr/European Space Agency